2008-04-17 1:28 a.m.
Update
I apologize.
It's just...a lot's been happening. So now you get a super-long entry to make up for it. And a solemn promise (yet again) that I'm really going to try to update more often!
Okay. So.
I don't even know where to begin.
Where did I last leave off?
Oh, yes. Not wanting to go back to school after Spring Break.
Well, I'm here at school. And, earlier than I predicted, I'm ready to do anything if it means that I can go home sooner.
I've been missing my friends from the second I got here. My friends here don't understand why I'm like that, and I can't explain to them that, really, they're not my *friends*, they're more just people who I know and love - never mistake that, I adore them and they're good friends - but they're not my *friends*. My *friends* are...well, a very, VERY select group of people.
We've only added two people to that group since we formed into one 5 years ago. Both are guys who are like older brothers to our entire group. Both were introduced to the group by my best friend, the one among us who trusts nobody besides us and kind of hates humanity, and yet she loves both of our "older brothers" like she loves me and our other best friends.
None of my school friends can compare to what I have with them. There aren't even words in the English language. Or any other language that I'm familiar with, either. There's no word for a friend who's more dear to you than your own life is, who transcends all friendship to be something like another piece of yourself.
If it were a romantic attachment, there'd be the word soulmate. But that's too trite, too convenient, too easy and simplistic and not deep or pure or true enough to explain what my friends and I have going for us; and it just muddies things up by putting a weird romantic spin on it. And while sexual orientations in our group run the gamut from trisexual (Rocky Horror reference: "...try anything sexual") to asexual, straight to gay, we're truly lucky as a group of friends that nobody's involved with each other that way - our friendships are uncomplicated by sexual tension.
And any of us would tell you the same things about how amazing our group of friends is, how well it works, how much we love each other. We've regularly tried to explain it to other people, and almost always end up trailing off after trying to explain by saying "well, it just IS..." and looking at each other and laughing.
Then again, the way I see it, all the people in the world break down into various categories. Like so:
Humans: People who you know must exist, but who you've never met and can't envision and know nothing about, and so exist on a purely hypothetical level as members of your same species. Most of the world's 6 billion people fall into this category.
People: People who you've actually seen or heard of, they're within your knowledge as individuals, though that may be all you know of them. The people driving next to you on the freeway and celebrities fall into this category, at the extreme ends of it (people you know nothing about in the first case, and people you probably know more than should about, in the latter). You know they exist, but, practically, they are of no real or useful relevance to your life.
Acquaintances: People who you talk to sometimes. You don't really know much about them, and don't really want to. You never talk about much of importance; in fact, you never talk about much. A simple, "Hi, how are you?" every day seems to be about the most either of you can handle without it seeming forced. These are your neighbors, and most of your coworkers, the person who bags your groceries...etc.
Social acquaintances: People you talk to fairly frequently, but not about anything of much import or consequence. These are a select few of your neighbors/coworkers; people you'll spend a Saturday night with if your other plans fall through, but not people you'd tell of anything major in your life.
Buddies: People you enjoy spending time with and see often. You talk about lots of things, but tend to avoid sharing anything of deep personal importance because such sharing only feels awkward. This is where the label "friend" begins to apply for most people; people you go shopping with, tell your crazy stories of hilarious adventures, but you'd never dare to discuss those "no-no" topics like religion or politics, because your relationship isn't really strong enough to handle severe disagreement.
Friends: (not my use of the term. For my use of the term, see amigos.) People you spend a lot of time with, and even talk about personal things with sometimes. They're the ones you go to when you're having a bad day and need a good bitch session, a hug, and a cookie/triple-chocolate-mocha-latte. They're close, and you love them. And that's all you need to know. It's really hard to find many of these.
Amigos: Closer than friends. I use this term because it's directly derived from the verb "to love" in Spanish, which was my first second language. ("Amar" is the verb. Stare at it long enough and you can see the link. Also, I think "amar" is also the verb in French, and the word friend is "amie" - romance languages got it right.) Basically, I believe that we can only accurately use the verb "love" (as in "I love you") with our closest friends (amigos) and family. Only with them is the emotion of love uncomplicated by sexual tension. All of the things that you share with friends is intensified with your amigos. They know everything (or nearly everything) about you and love you regardless. Nothing you could say or do would be enough to drive them away because they love you for who you are, not for who they imagine you to be. With my own amigas, I can't tell where I stop and they start. We've gone over 400 miles just to visit for a day or two. When one loses a relative, all of us mourn. I wore black for a month for one friend's grandmother, and I'd never met the woman. I didn't have to. I knew her granddaughter, and loved her as much as I love my sister, if not moreso (my sister and I aren't very close), and that was enough. This kind of friend-love is the type of love that religions idealize. It's non-sexual, so jealousy and all those charming "negative" emotions don't enter into the equation, but at the same time it's all-accepting and forgiving.
Amigos are what would be your soulmates if you were romantically involved with them, but there are lots more possible amigos than there are soulmates. For that matter, there's a certain point at which it would just be awkward to turn an amigo into a lover...regardless of orientation or attraction. But even if that were to happen and fall apart because of awkwardness, the friendship wouldn't be damaged. It would just have another level to it that would have to be dealt with.
I am the most fortunate person on earth to have at least 10 amigos. Truly.
And that's my explanation of why I'm such a wreck every time I come back to school. It's like splitting myself into 11 pieces, and losing 10 of them in the couch cushions of a sofa in a vacation cottage on the other side of the world for 3 months at a time.
Or something. You get the idea.
The point is, it's hard.
Especially now.
See, since I've gotten back to university-land, things have been rough. My classes are not pleasant, and I'm worried about the kind of stunts I'm pulling on my grades - and ability to go to England - at this point.
To top it off, I have sciatica. Basically, I have a pinched nerve in my lower back. It's really painful, and sometimes causes shooting pains to run down my leg. I'm on enough painkillers to kill a tiger, and I still hurt.
I've been referred to a physical therapist, so hopefully that'll make things better.
Let's see...what else?
I'm looking forward to going to England. It's going to be an amazing adventure, and I can't wait. I'm a bit afraid, of course, being that it's a foreign country and all (and the exchange rate between our currencies is terrible) but that's also what makes it exciting.
I'm counting down the days to summer, and crossing my fingers that they go quickly. I can't wait to see my amigas again...or the two recently-added-to-the-group amigos. Poor boys, surrounded by all us girls. Except, one's gay, and the other's dating one of our friends, and both see themselves as big brothers of ours, so it's cool and doesn't really bother them. Kinda cute, actually, in a silly way I mean.
We're already planning for summer. We've found a new coffee shop in town, and we're going to make it our literary headquarters for our novel-writing misadventures. Who knows, maybe it'll be famous one day when my friends and I all end up published authors, haha. I've already got the idea for the novel I want to write this summer, but to avoid having this journal identified as mine (and because it's generally a bad idea to post ideas and such online where anybody can find and commandeer them), I'll just speak about it in vague platitudes.
Actually, the idea came from a dream I had. So then it becomes almost mathematical:
|{(My weird dreams) + (love for mythology x too much time on my hands)} ^ [(caffeine^2)/(3x a day)]| + [(bizarre conversations with friends x much laughter^210)/(fights with my mom^anger)] + [(nothing better to do) x (long days of summer)] = NOVEL
Not to mention all of the encouragement we get from our parents, instructors, churchfolk, etc, when we do silly creative things. And doing anything creative with one another = much HAPPINESS.
I'm looking forward to it.
We're also going to go to Disneyland, the beach (repeatedly), I'm taking everyone out to dinner at the end of the summer...and some other stuffs are going to happen. It's going to be the summer of amazingness, because, seriously, any summer we spend together is already amazing, and the amazingness has only grown with the addition of more fabulous friends to the group. Not only that, but we're all determined - I'm going to be gone for 9 months after the summer's over (academic years are long) - and we all want to make the most of the 2 months we have together before my departure.
It's going to be intense. I'm kinda scared.
Not about summer. England. I've wanted this for so long, and I'm not having second thoughts. I still want it. I'm really looking forward to it. But it's just...I have so much here that I'm going to be leaving behind to go there. And I don't know how I'm going to bear it.
I was bad enough when I first came to university, and we were all still in the same time zones. I think we talked every day, the lot of us. And all of us regretted not going to school together, I think. But still...it's ended up working out okay. And after we're done with college, the odds are that we'll never let ourselves be separated again...
At the least, it would take something pretty damn incredible to make us be voluntarily separated again.
And with that...it's late. My sciatica's acting up. And I have a doctor's appointment after my AM class. So I'll be back later.
I've gotten totally behind on everyone's journals, and for that I apologize. I promise to get caught up and comment and such soon. Probably this weekend. <3
