2006-10-28 11:49 p.m.
Going Solo
Which brings me to something that's been bothering me since it happened.
Last night, we had several Halloween parties on campus, the intent being to keep the gatherings small so that they would be easily manageable. My friends and I went party-hopping, intending to frolic at each of them in search of guys to take to tango lessons as our dance partners. As it happened, only I succeeded.
Which is precisely the problem. I don't really know if I have a crush on him, but I virtually asked him out on a date by inviting him along to tango lessons. I don't want to lead anyone on, but at the same time he's undeniably cute and I like to hang out with him.
It's just bothering me.
But no answer is yet to be found, so I'll just pretend everything's okay.
Spent the day alone waiting for my sister to IM me. She had told me she'd be on today. I never got an email from her saying otherwise. It's now after midnight and she's still not here.
I think I'm going to be very peeved with her the next time we speak.
Which is also irritating. It shouldn't bother me so much. But there you have it.
One of my best friends just called me, and the sound of her voice gave me a pang. I miss my best friends a lot. I'm here alone. I'm used to being alone. Even back home, when my friends were only a phone call away, I was used to being left more or less alone to do as I pleased. Here, privacy and alone-time are downright luxuries.
I have a midterm on Monday in a class I know nothing about. I don't have the self-discipline to really buckle down and study for it either.
Where is motivation supposed to come from in college? You no longer need to have a good GPA - grad school isn't a requirement to have a successful adult life in the same way that a bachelor's degree is. There's no real motivation present for me. I don't know...it's just really weird.
Would it sound weird if I told you that my only real ambitions in life are to find love and be a librarian? Hardly glamorous...and hardly anything to be sought after with everything in my being. After all, love will appear when it's meant to. Or it won't. So it goes. Everything in this life happens for a reason, I think, so I just have to keep reminding myself that it'll happen when it happens.
As for being a librarian, I've worked library jobs already, on both a volunteer and paid basis. It's easy. And hardly something to work my ass off in pursuit of.
I've always chosen the path of least resistance, done things that were easy and required minimal effort on my part.
Now, instead of helping me like it has in the past, it's hurting me. I'm not failing anything, but I'm finding myself weighing options and taking ones that will get me Cs instead of As.
Now that I no longer *have* to do anything to advance, what do I have to do to maintain the status quo?
I've learned something right now. It's harder to maintain than it is to advance.
