the devil's rose's blog

2009-03-30 1:32 p.m.

You could have tried a little harder
To fix this
But somehow you made me believe
That this was all we could be
--Casey Stratton

Long time. I've been busy.

Term ended just over a week ago. I did well on everything, and now I'm on break until mid-April. It's too long. I don't know what all to do with myself.

My best friend came here last week, and we spent the whole time goofing off. Well, mostly. He was pining for his significant other, and I was busy being emotionally unstable, but let me back up.

The last week of everything was relatively mellow, and I spent the entire time being excited as hell that my best friend, R, was going to come and visit. (Properly, he's my second-best friend, but the distinction is irrelevant, really, and mostly based off of how long I've known him and K, because otherwise the two would totally be tied. I've just known K since she and I were little kids, so she is automatically the best friend. Besides, she's how I met him anyway, and the three of us are a borderline-evil trio when we get bad ideas.) I picked him up from the airport, and we came back to my flat, and for the first couple of days, everything was perfect.

We laughed, we talked, we had crazy adventures. We got into a contest to see who could be the bigger bitch, and it was fun, because we know that the love is there.

I get a lot of nightmares. Really gruesome, unpleasant ones. And one of the nights when we were out of my flat, I was thinking about one of them while he was off in an internet cafe, and I realized it isn't entirely a nightmare. And it rattled me. Like you wouldn't believe. I'd had my earphones in, listening to my iPod, so I didn't hear him come back until he came over to where I was and asked what was wrong. I couldn't even bring myself to say most of what I had recalled, and I don't think I'll ever be able to - not to myself, and not to anyone. I tried to write it all down in my paper diary, but my hands started to shake so badly, and I nearly went into a panic attack.

Of course, our annoying roommates chose that moment to come back, so I hastily pulled myself back together. Before we went to sleep, I told him in a whisper one of the more minor things. It was enough to visibly worry/anger him.

From there on in, I was an emotionally unstable mess, inclined to start crying any time I was left alone with my thoughts for too long. And since he and I weren't doing much talking, that happened a lot. And I felt (and still feel) so bad for killing some of the fun with my emotional bullshit. Like, we had an amazing time, but at the same time, I feel like it could have been so much better if I hadn't fucked it up.

He flew home yesterday, and leaving the airport alone killed me inside. I cried the whole 2 hour train ride back, and then cried for another 2 hours when I'd planned to be napping. I exhausted myself so much that I did fall asleep for an hour, and then I pulled myself together and plastered on my happy face then went to see a friend here who had correctly predicted that his leaving would be hard on me. We got hot chocolate and muffins at Starbucks before heading back to her apartment to watch Moulin Rouge. We didn't talk much, I'd have started crying if we had. I got back home around 10, then crawled into bed and cried some more until I fell asleep God-only-knows-when.

I just feel drained today. I still feel like I might cry, except that my tear ducts have been completely dried out from yesterday's marathon of tears.

I mean...

My friends matter so much to me. They're all I really have, to be honest. And R (and K, but R is the one who has prompted this meditation) is a friend for whom I would do ANYTHING. And he's that type of friend who I can trust with that power because he's such a dear friend that he would never ask me to do anything that could be bad for me.

Of all my family and friends, I've only seen him since last September. And I'd managed to mostly convince myself that the lonesomeness and homesickness weren't so bad. That these next three months would be easy to get through, because I'm more than half there.

That this is easy and I will be more than capable of living in Spain post-university like I'm tentatively planning to. ><

So. Not. True.

I nearly started crying in the airport when I picked him up, just from relief to see the face of someone I love so much, and to hear their voice, and to be hugged and held and....God. It's the best feeling in the whole world. And all that loneliness that I'd been feeling, all the homesickness I'd been denying, it evaporated. It was gone. And I was free from all of it, and nobody on the planet could have rivalled me for sheer joy.

And taking him back to the airport, it just - yet again - showed me how much I lose every time I move away. Every time I have to run away for my sanity, I run away from everything and everyone I love as well. And it kills me inside.

But at the same time, just knowing that I have them at all is the most reassuring and wonderful feeling I can think of. And you can't spend all your time in the same place with the same people, I suppose.

But do I ever wish that I could...

I miss them, so very much more than there are words in this language. I don't think there are words for it in any language, and if there were, they'd be so far diluted at this point that all the force of their meaning would be gone.

...

Having R here helped a lot when I had my world-shaking memory, though. He's one of those solid, dependable guys, who if you have to cry on his shoulder, is comforting about the whole thing, rather than getting all awkward and male about it. I still felt (and feel) kind of awkward about the whole thing, but at least I don't feel like I've run him off with it.

...

I've been listening a lot to "Opaline", but also to this Natalie Merchant song:

MY SKIN
Take a look at my body
Look at my hands
There's so much here that I don't understand
Your face-saving promises
Whispered like prayers
I don't need them

Because I've been treated so wrong
I've been treated so long
As if I'm becoming untouchable

Well, content loves the silence
It thrives in the dark
With fine winding tendrils
That strangle the heart
They say that promises sweeten the blow
But I don't need them, no
I don't need them

I've been treated so wrong
I've been treated so long
As if I'm becoming untouchable
I'm the slow dying flower
In the frost killing hour
Sweet turning sour and untouchable

Oh, I need the darkness
The sweetness
The sadness
The weakness
Oh, I need this

I need a lullaby
A kiss good night
Angel sweet love of my life
Oh, I need this

I'm the slow dying flower
In the frost killing hour
Sweet turning sour and untouchable

Do you remember the way that you touched me before
All the trembling sweetness I loved and adored
Your face-saving promises whispered like prayers
I don't need them

Oh, I need the darkness
The sweetness
The sadness
The weakness
Oh, I need this

I need a lullaby
A kiss good night
Angel sweet love of my life
Oh, I need this

Well is it dark enough
Can you see me
Do you want me
Can you reach me
Oh, I'm leaving

You better shut your mouth
And hold your breath
And kiss me now
And catch your death

Oh, I need this
Oh, I need this

...these songs. My God.

My life. ><

*sigh*

The things I need to write about right now, I'm not comfortable posting to the Internet. Even if I made this journal private, I wouldn't be comfortable with it. There's so much I have to work through, and so much of it is in the grimy details...

I'm going to go write in my paper journal for now. Hopefully, by the time I'm posting next, I'll feel more capable and be able to talk coherently about things even veiled.

If you're the type of person who prays, please, send one up for my friends and for me. I would really appreciate that. Thank you.

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