the devil's rose's blog

2009-03-09 2:47 p.m.

First and last and always: My calling, my time
First and last and always: Mine
First and last and always: 'til the end of, the end of time
First and last and always: Mine
--The Sisters of Mercy

I didn't post this weekend because I didn't really have anything to say. I still don't. So it goes. That happens sometimes.

I'm trying to convince myself that it's worth it to start writing fiction again. Novels, short stories... hell, even poetry, if I can force myself to sit down and spend the time. But I just feel so blah.

Tomorrow's my last appointment with the psychologist. We've decided that what I need help with most isn't something that I can really do in that context. As he put it, "Most of the insights people get in therapy, you already have."

Does that make me advanced or stunted? Probably some weird combination of the two.

Trying not to care. Life's so much easier when I don't give a shit about anything.

*sigh*

This term's almost over. Just this week and next week, and then the spring holidays. And then it's just two and a half months left in England.

So strange to think it's gone by so quickly. Especially after all the trouble I went to to get here. And now all I want to do is go home...

...but home is nowhere.

26 years and seems like
I've just begun
To understand my
My intimate is no one
When the director sold the show
Who bought its last rights?
They cut the cast, the music, and the lights

This is my line, this is eternal
How did I ever end up here?
Discarnate, preternatural
My prayers to disappear
Absent of grace, marked as infernal
Ungranted in dead time, left me disowned
To this nature, so unnatural
I remain alone

26 years and still speaking in these tongues
Such revelations while understood by no one
When the new actor stole the show
Who questioned his grace?
Please clear this house of ill-acquired taste

This is my line, this is eternal
How did I ever end up here?
Discarnate, preternatural
My prayers to disappear
Absent of grace, marked as infernal
Ungranted in dead time, left me disowned
To this nature, so unnatural
I remain alone

Give me something...
Give me something...
Give me something.
Give me something.
Give me something!
Give me something real!

I lay strewn across the floor
Can't solve this puzzle
Every day another small piece can't be found
I lay strewn across the floor
Pieced up inside
But the pieces are lost
The pieces don't fit
Pieced together incomplete and empty

This is my line, this is eternal
How did I ever end up here?
Discarnate, preternatural
My prayers to disappear
Absent of grace, marked as infernal
Ungranted in dead time, left me disowned
To this nature, so unnatural
I remain alone --AFI

AFI is such a strange band. I'm never entirely sure what to make of them, even though I like the music. But I'm really not sure what to think. The lyrics are so open in so many ways, but that's why it works, I think.

...Do you ever wish that you could just leave your entire life behind, start over someplace different with no past at all, and only as much future as you can make for yourself?

It took me doing that to realize that that doesn't fix anything. Not that I'm in any huge rush to get back to what was, but...at the same time...it feels so much easier in my mind.

Jorge pointed out that that's not exactly a good thing.

The thing I have to struggle with, and which he's not of much use to me for, is learning how to actually detect when someone's not treating me right. According to him, I'm amazingly insightful about what happened and why, and I can look back at things and see tht they sucked but that there's nothing I could have done to change what happened. And that I've done most of the work of coming to grips with it by reaching a point where I can let myself get angry and experience other emotions, and I've built gates in my emotional walls to let people in, so most of the things that therapy would actually be useful to me for...I've already begun and made significant progress on myself. As he didn't put it, but the subtext was there, it's almost a waste of time and money bothering with him (since I'm not being medicated and don't need him to write me prescriptions, lol) when I've managed to get along up to this point relatively well.

But, there's always a caveat. And he's concerned that I, like most people who grow up in crazy environments, have overadapted. That things like what happened with my "friends" will continue to happen until I can get some sort of sense for when people are behaving improperly and showing signs that they could end up behaving like my mother in their relationships with me, which isn't something I'd necessarily notice because I've grown up learning how to adapt for that. His especial concern is whether I'd be able to detect it, but more importantly, how I'd handle it if it came up in the context of an intimate relationship.

Which, given that I have absolutely no relationship history for the very specific reason that I don't know if I could keep myself out of an abusive relationship, is a pretty spot-on concern. But at this point in time, it's not a super-huge concern because I've always wanted to finish my degree before I started seriously dating anyone, and my two best friends are people I more than trust with my life, and I know that I could rely on them to express concerns should something happen in the short term, until I can actually get my radar back to normal functioning.

So I guess this means I'm basically okay?

(so why don't I feel like I am?)

My messed up emotions never cease to amaze me.

Anyway. There's not much else to say, so I think I'm off. Back | Older | Current | Next