2006-12-01 12:55 a.m.
The Only One
"The Only One"
You know you're not the only one.
When they all come crashing down, midflight,
You know you're not the only one.
When they're so alone they find a back door out of life,
You know you're not the only one.We're all grieving,
Lost, and bleeding.All our lives,
We've been waiting
For someone to call our leader.
All your lies,
I'm not believing.
Heaven shine a light down on me.So afraid to open your eyes, hypnotized,
You know you're not the only one that
Never understood this life.
And you're right, I don't deserve you,
But you know I'm not the only one.We're all grieving,
Lost, and bleeding.All our lives,
We've been waiting
For someone to call our leader.
All your lies,
I'm not believing.
Heaven shine a light down on me.Don't look down,
Don't look into the eyes of the world beneath you.
Don't look down,
You'll fall down,
You'll become their sacrifice.Right or wrong,
Can't hold onto the fear that I'm lost without you.
If I can't feel,
I'm not mine;
I'm not real.All our lives,
We've been waiting
For someone to call our leader.
All your lies,
I'm not believing,
Heaven shine a light down on me.
So, I got really angry last night because my tango partner blew me off.
He still hasn't contacted me, by email or phone or even by just dropping in.
Allow me to explain why this is bad.
My evening was pretty crappy. As I explained to an amiga, by the time I was half an hour late to the lesson, I was angry. I had deliberately dressed sexy/cute since the last time he'd seen me, I'd been covered in red clay from our impromptu cave-cuddling session, hair a-frizz, and just totally unattractive. So I'd made an effort to dress nicely, put my hair up, done my makeup, even put on a pair of earrings and a locket that nicely complimented the outfit...but all that did was make a whole bunch of creepy old men's blood depart their brains and take a trip south for the winter.
By the time one of the dance teachers had paired me up with an ancient dude who was simply radiating creep vibes to my eighteen year old brain, I was thinking that if my tango partner ever hoped to have another snuggling session with me, he'd damn well better have a good excuse for running out on me.
And by the time Old Creepy Dude's hand was attempting to travel south to my ass, I'd decided that the aforementioned good excuse had better involve a hospital stay or some such unavoidable calamity if my tango partner did not wish to be forcibly and violently separated from his male parts.
Thank the gods our female teacher was paying attention. She rescued me from the old creepy man within minutes, but it was still minutes too long. My enjoyment of the evening had been thoroughly shot to hell and beaten past any hope of resurrection or even simple, old-fashioned recognition.
So I sat down. Ended up dancing with a very grandfatherly old man who was perfectly eye level with my chest for a couple of minutes before the class switched into intermediacy.
On the bright side, one of my amigas tangoed off to a snogfest in her boyfriend's backseat, and my other amiga met a really adorable, funny guy at tango. Whilst I got old creepy dude...
Yep, my tango partner had damn well better have a bloody buggering flawless fucking excuse. And yes, that's a lot of swear words, but I'm really upset.
The thing is, I was so fucking confused when I thought that he might actually like me. And now that I'm pretty sure he doesn't want us to be anything more than friends, I really regret that we can't be close.
Fucking hell!
And then today I found out that one of my good amigos has mono. Oh, yes. That favorite disease of college students, mononucleosis, has made a visit to our beautiful campus and lovely group of friends, and the short and long of the story is I either have it or I have an iron deficiency. Joyous occasion. And I didn't even catch it "the fun way", as said amigo describes it. Yep, my lips are as virginal as ever, having only once graced even the cheek of a man, and him a Brit at that, and my mother was standing not five feet away. So that doesn't even count.
Tell me why I'm still here, please?
I'm just frustrated.
And I'm feeling pretty fucking lost and directionless.
I have finals next week, damn it all.
I may have mono. Or I have an iron deficiency. Either way, I'm fucking exhausted, physically, emotionally, psychologically, and intellectually.
Going home isn't going to fix anything.
I will no longer have one unresponsive guy who doesn't care and has no obligation to. Instead, I will have several unresponsive friends who proved they didn't care even though they had accepted the obligation to. Lovely.
My mom is still as insane as ever, as the family report-back from the holiday weekend has proven. I still love her, but it would be so much easier if she weren't crazy!
I have absolutely nothing to be looking forward to for a while.
I'm so fucking tired.
I'm so angry.
I felt so violated the other night.
It was truly awful.
And there was one cute guy there. But my amiga has intentions for him. And as she so elegantly pointed out, I have my tango partner. Who's shy at best, flaky at middling, and a downright asshole at worst. Perfect.
We're all grieving, lost, and bleeding...
Haven't I paid my dues for grief, loss, and blood yet? I'm tired of it. I want to have some joy, gain, and healing for once!
That's right. I forgot who owns me.
I'm the rose in the devil's garden, after all. And I can't get too far ahead of myself with wanting happiness. The one who currently meddles in my life doesn't allow that.
Peachy.
