2007-04-18 11:41 p.m.
Not Happy
I'm going crazy here at Uni. It's making me physically ill. I know I'm ill, because my body's doing strange things. Every time I go to the bathroom, there's blood. I'm not on my period; well, I am now, but it even happens when I'm not. I think it might be an ulcer, because my family's predisposed to such things, but I have no way of telling for sure. I wake up with my jaw clenched so tight that I'm afraid I'll crush my own teeth into powder. I have nightmares every night of being unable to control anything that's happening as horrifying scenes take place - and that's when I can even fall asleep. It takes me four hours to fall asleep, and then I sleep for thirteen hours. Thirteen hours of horrible dreams only to wake up more tired than when I started but unable to do much about it. Even the thoughts of certain people make me want to rip my hair out and I have to dig my fingernails into my skin in an effort to restrain myself.
It usually works, but then there are the little half-moon scabs all over my arms to explain. Good thing my college town is chilly. Good thing I have a problem with picking at zits.
I know these are all serious signs that something's wrong. I know I should talk to somebody. But the handful of people I have told, all offer meaningless "advice" and then get miffed when I point out, as calmly as I can, that their advice, good as it would be under a lot of other circumstances, fails in this one. Either I've already tried it or I know it won't work for one of myriad reasons.
I don't want to be crazy. I don't want to have a nervous breakdown. I've come so close before and never actually fallen prey to it. I can't do it now.
But one of the two plans on being my roommate next year. All of the other girls I know and get along with at all have already paired up. I don't know what I'm going to do. I don't want to ruin a friendship on the off-chance that this is just a temporary thing, but at the same time, if it isn't...
I'll just leave that ellipsis there. It won't be pretty. I'm not the type to hurt other people, save for with some pretty barbed comments dripping with emotional poison, but I don't want to get to the point where I'm seriously hurting myself.
I just want to be happy.
I'm unhappy.
Welcome to my life. I hate it sometimes.
As for the tarot reading, the general verdict is "lose them, they're not worth it and they'll only hold you back in the long run". This from a synthesis of the Queen of Swords, Moon, Two of Swords, Death, Seven of Wands, Five of Wands, Devil, Strength, Ace of Swords, Page of Pentacles, and Three of Pentacles cards. The Temperance card provides a focal point of concentration.
Basically, what all this means:
Temperance says that the situation CAN be handled gracefully, but that doesn't change the necessary outcome if I'm to learn the lesson this situation presents me and become a better person.
The Queen of Swords says that I'm dealing with stubborn people who are unwilling to change. It also says that great determination will be needed to handle the situation.
The Moon says that my current reaction to these people is emotional and instinctive, but that those reactions can still be accurate. It also says that I shouldn't let my emotions run away from me in the heat of the moment, or I risk irreparably damaging my friendships with these people, on the off-chance that I want to rekindle the relationship at some point.
Death is the "message from my higher self", according to my book, which basically means that it's telling me what I already knew but didn't want to face. Death is the card of great change, but that change is natural, coming in its necessary time. It also points out that this change, while terrifying to ponder, can actually be much friendlier than once assumed because its a progressive change - more like a transition between seasons than a sudden heat wave, which gives time to prepare. Death also points out that change can relieve suffering and bring peace when one is in difficult circumstances.
The Seven of Wands is what I'm preoccupied with, and according to this card, I'm preoccupied with defending myself and attempting to overcome obstacles placed in my path toward happiness and fulfillment.
The Five of Wands points out an element in the past that was crucial in the development of the current situation. Also known as the Strife card, the Five of Swords is all about infighting and turmoil caused by breakdown of communication. It indicates a need to reorganize and start afresh, because the current situation has degraded to a point where it isn't likely to "just get better." I know what this is, but for the sake of keeping this as confidential as possible, I won't specify further.
The Devil occupies the position reserved for my relationships with others. It signifies unhealthy relationships, control, and an inability to see threats because you want or are being led to believe that they aren't there. Go figure.
The Strength card occupies the position revealing aspects of my personality and psychological state that will affect the situation. As its name indicates, I'm going to need a lot of strength and determination to handle this situation to keep it from getting out of hand. Strength which I know I don't have yet.
The Ace of Swords indicates influences in my environment on the situation. This is a card of taking action to get what one wants, as well as to pinpoint information down to its essence. It also references the cutting of ties.
The Page of Pentacles is supposed to represent hopes/fears. This card is a card that implies generic happiness and security - definitely a hope - in the context of a more materialistic environment than the other pages do, implying in work or school. Since my problem people are at school, this actually works.
The Three of Pentacles represents the final outcome should the advice in the reading be taken. It's a card about being taken seriously as a result of your actions and skills, and of finding peace and happiness in a simple life pared down to the basics.
Not terribly reassuring, especially since these cards have frightened me before by "knowing" more about a variety of situations than I did. I was only able to verify this by writing layouts down and comparing them to information gained months after the fact. But the general flow of this seems to be that I need to get away from these people as soon as possible. And that's the plan.
Even if it won't make me happy. I hate hurting friends...and these friends, insane though they're making me, have less emotional development than two year-olds. They're going to see this as "You don't love me anymore" - I've seen them react that way with people before.
It's for the best, though. I hope.
--Rose
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