2006-11-24 11:11 p.m.
Because It NEEDS to Be Said, Even If I'm Not Brave Enough to Just Say It
"Angel"
Spend all your time waiting
For that second chance,
For a break that would make it okay.
There's always some reason
To feel not good enough,
And it's hard at the end of the day.
I need some distraction,
Oh beautiful release.
Memories seep from my veins;
Let me be empty
And weightless and maybe
I'll find some peace tonight.In the arms of the angel
Fly away from here,
From this dark, cold hotel room
And the endlessness that you fear.
You are pulled from the wreckage
Of your silent reverie;
You're in the arms of the angel;
May you find some comfort here.So tired of the straight line,
And everywhere you turn
There's vultures and thieves at your back,
And the storm keeps on twisting.
You keep on building the lies
That you make up for all that you lack.
It don't make no difference
Escaping one last time.
It's easier to believe in this sweet madness,
This glorious sadness that brings me to my knees.In the arms of the angel
Fly away from here,
From this dark, cold hotel room
And the endlessness that you fear.
You are pulled from the wreckage
Of your silent reverie;
You're in the arms of the angel;
May you find some comfort here.
You're in the arms of the angel;
May you find some comfort here.
--Sarah McLachlan, Surfacing
Sitting all alone again, in my dark, cold dorm room.
I went to go visit my tango partner this afternoon...what can I say? I was in desperate need of some human company. Instead, I ended up giving a family from Seattle an impromptu tour of the campus because the boy was considering attending. They found me at the bus stop after I realized that my friend wasn't home.
He hasn't come to visit me. Granted, he still has time before I give up on thinking that he might actually like spending time with me. It's only Friday, and we're both here for the entire weekend and nobody starts returning until Sunday afternoon at the earliest, and probably not even then.
But still...I'm alone.
That last sentence was so selfish. He's enjoying himself, and all I can focus on is my semi-self-induced solitude.
The best friends back home are all watching The Prestige as I type this. My heater just shut itself off. Nobody's on instant messenger.
It sucks being alone on a holiday weekend.
My walk this afternoon was meant to relieve stress. It didn't. The impromptu tour was fun, but it didn't make me feel any better. I returned to an empty room and no friends to be found for miles as the nearest ones are in the Bay Area. No food, either. Got tired of sitting here, so I made a plan. I went into town to go get quarters for laundry. Got catcalled and whistled at. Some guy said, "You look nice tonight," after drunkenly inquiring where all the parties were at and giving me a look that made me feel dirty. I was wearing an ankle-length skirt and blouse. I was tempted to shoot back, "Yeah, it's called modesty. And if I wanted to be objectified and hit on, I would have dressed like a slut."
I didn't.
Probably should have.
Got back on the bus back to the University. Got off at my friend's school. Hiked up the hill to see if he was there. His window was dark. I didn't wait around. Walked back down the hill feeling like a reject.
I just don't want to be alone right now. But I am, like always.
It's times like this I wish I believed in something. When you have no faith - or lack thereof - in anything, it's hard to feel comforted when you're alone and on the verge of tears every second. I wish I could believe that I'm in the arms of an angel. But I don't even believe in angels. Or, I don't know if I do or if I don't.
And part of this emotional upset is just because I'm a menstrual case at the moment. Nothing will fuck with your mood faster than bleeding for a week and not dying. But that's still no excuse for what I've gone through already this weekend. I'm usually so much more self-possessed...even on my period. Just give me some dark chocolate, and you'll never know that I'm not feeling peachy. But now...I don't know.
And unlike Ms. Sarah, I don't find this sadness glorious. I find it fucking miserable.
I was watching music videos on Yahoo!Music just before I decided to write on here. One of the videos shown was from Avril Lavigne, back when she was still Teen Sensation Extraordinaire. Back when I was still a fan of hers.
I never thought I'd relate to a song I never liked and never thought I would like, by an artist I used to like but and no longer so enthused with.
"I'm With You" I'm standing on a bridge;
I'm waiting in the dark;
I thought that you'd be here by now.
There's nothing but the rain,
No footsteps on the ground;
I'm listening but there's no sound.Isn't anyone trying to find me?
Won't somebody come take me home?
It's a damn cold night
Trying to figure out this life.
Won't you take me by the hand;
Take me somewhere new?
I don't know who you are,
But I...I'm with you.
I'm with you.I'm looking for a place;
I'm searching for a face;
Is anybody here I know?
'Cause nothing's going right,
And everything's a mess,
And no one likes to be alone.Isn't anyone trying to find me?
Won't somebody come take me home?
It's a damn cold night
Trying to figure out this life.
Won't you take me by the hand;
Take me somewhere new?
I don't know who you are,
But I...I'm with you.
I'm with you.Oh why is everything so confusing?
Maybe I'm just out of my mind.
Yea yea yea...It's a damn cold night
Trying to figure out this life.
Won't you take me by the hand;
Take me somewhere new?
I don't know who you are,
But I...I'm with you.
I'm with you.Take me by the hand;
Take me somewhere new.
I don't know who you are,
But I...I'm with you.
I'm with you.Take me by the hand;
Take me somewhere new.
I don't know who you are,
But I...I'm with you.
I'm with you.
I'm with you...
The twisted thing? I was standing on a bridge today, alone, listening for anyone to come. I knew my tango partner would have to cross that bridge if he were to come visit. I've been searching for faces I recognize all weekend. The rain clouds blew in this afternoon, too.
"...'cause nothing's going right, and everything's a mess, and no one likes to be alone..."
And that right there I can relate to so much it's not even amusing.
But I sought my tango partner out. I don't want just any random person to comfort me. I want him to be there for me.
I've only known him since September, for all that he's from my grandmother's hometown and I spent a lot of my childhood there. But, every time he and I have been together, we spent a lot of time together. And every time, I felt safe. Even if I wasn't upset, I felt comforted. Basically, I just felt good.
I've never had that experience before, except when hiding out in one of the sheet forts I'd built in the church with my best friends. Only my bestest friends have ever inspired that in me...and now he does. And that's...odd, to say the least.
I don't have a crush on him. Or maybe I do. I honestly don't know. As a friend, I love him. As anything more than that, I'm truly confused.
When we're together, hanging out until the wee hours of the morning, I'm happy and I'm in love with him in the way only an idiot teenager can be. I send him home to his dorm and I go to sleep glowing. But then I wake up, wondering what the hell it is that I think I'm doing staying up talking about everything in the universe with him when I don't even know how I feel with him. The glow is gone come the morning. And then I agonize. I wonder why I'm playing with his emotions. I can't come up with any good solutions.
I don't want to hurt him. Hurting a friend to me is more evil than kicking puppies. You just don't do that. You hurt yourself long before you hurt a friend, because so long as you've chosen to adopt them, they're yours to protect and look after and love. Not because they can't take care of themselves, but because you love them so much. Love like that is a beautiful thing.
I refuse to hurt him. But in order to not hurt him, I first and foremost must figure out exactly what it is that I feel toward him.
I'm terrified of becoming a woman like my mother is. A woman who cannot have a healthy significant other relationship with a man because the psychological abuse that is so pervasive throughout her childhood leaves her so emotionally scarred that she just can't relate to people. I fear that I've already reached that point.
Growing up, no matter what I did, I would be screamed at. I would be hit. I would be spit on. I would be told I was hated. I would be called everything from bitch to evil to animal to detestable. I would cry myself to sleep more times in a month than anyone should in a lifetime. It didn't matter if I was good. Being bad didn't count. Staying silent and speaking up were equally bad. Laughter was a cardinal sin, smiles deadly, and somber expressions just as dangerous. There was no way to win.
And yet I love my mother. It's not her fault. But I'm still totally fucked up from it all. And I always will be, I fear. And I can't help but wonder how much of my fear of hurting him is really just my fear of being close with anyone. After all, where do most of us learn affection? In our childhoods, with loving relationships with our parents. I never learned how to show affection. I never learned how to receive it. Even now, compliments from other people, hugs from even the best of my friends, and other such basic human comforts are difficult for me to "know what to do with." They confuse me. Why would someone want to give me positive attention, I wonder. What is it that they want from me?
I guess it's just hard for me to comprehend that someone might actually want to know and love me for me. And the thought kinda scares me, for that matter. I'm too old to have to learn love. I'm too old to not know how to let my barriers down voluntarily with those whom I know love me.
I'm just scared. I don't want to hurt me; I don't want to hurt him; I want a magical solution to this entire situation.
...In the arms of the angel, fly away from here...
Looks like I'm going to cry myself to sleep again.
But, to my tango partner (may he never read this), because it needs to be said even though I'm not brave enough to just say it:
You're a good friend. For that, I love you. And I'm so scared of hurting you later, that I'm going to hurt you now by never giving you a chance. Trust me, I'm not someone you want to know. I'll just end up hurting you, like I hurt everyone else I love. So find someone who deserves you, because you're wonderful. But please, promise me one thing: promise me we'll always be friends and that you'll always let me love you. Even if I won't let you love me back.
