2008-05-20 1:51 p.m.
Hurra - Wir Leben Noch
I'm not very fond of German industrial music, but the song above is excellent. And it gives the lyrics translations in the course of the video. So yay.
I've been thinking a lot lately, and I actually have some time to write in this for once so I figured I may as well venture on over here.
My younger brother is the one who introduced me to Megaherz and "Hurra - Wir Leben Noch", ironically enough at about the time as I was trying to kill myself and he was beginning to heavily experiment with drugs and alcohol and such. Now I can listen to it, and it's a whole different thing.
I was talking to one of my newest friends last night. (I say newest because, even though I feel as though I've known him for centuries, I've only known him for about two months, which pales in comparison to the years I've known most of my other friends.) We were talking about a tarot reading I'd done, and how it could mean several different things. He didn't really want to take a gander at which meaning it was, feeling that he doesn't really know me well enough for that...which is fair. But his comments were enough to help me figure out the cards, which I wasn't able to do on my own.
I told him that, and thanked him, and then gave as much of an explanation as I felt like giving at that hour of the night. Basically, I've been avoiding thinking about a lot of things, because I don't like the implications they have, among other things. He responded by giving me a hug and acknowledging that he does the same.
We're more alike than we should be, that boy and I. In a lot of ways, it makes me worry for him. I know what kind of a head case I am, lol.
So now I should face some of these things down. Point blank, I'm worried about tons of stuff.
I'm worried about school. My grades are not nearly what they should be. My own fault, really, I should know better than to blow things off like I've been doing, but lately it's like I have an allergy to homework. I'm just...so not motivated. Again, my own fault. I only have 3 weeks left, it's not like it's some sort of superhuman effort to just get the last few things done, but I just...can't bring myself to do it.
Bad Rose, bad bad bad.
I'm worried about my family. My little brother is descending further into his own personal hell - but at least he's finally finished high school. He's gotten tattoos, apparently, and is still drinking to get himself to fall asleep. My mom is still loony. I can feel her pain even here. I don't know why she can't let it go; I wish she would learn. My sister's still miserable and hating her life. She hasn't yet learned that success isn't measured by the size of your paycheck, but rather by the size of your heart.
Being an empath really kind of sucks sometimes. I always have these people who I care about in the back of my head; for some reason, I can feel what they feel, even across distances. That's part of why I spent so much time trying to kill myself once upon a time. I had an emotional burden that I couldn't figure out how to bear. Not only did I have my own pain and confusion about the circumstances I'd found myself in, but I had my mom's, sister's, and brother's too. Normally, when I'm here at school, they're...less present...not in my head so much. But lately I've been noticing the "bubbles" of awareness in my mind that are devoted to them are acting up more. I hope everything's going okay. Or at least not spectacularly wrong.
I'm worried, most of all, about my friends. Well, not so much the people. I know that they're okay...for the most part. Aforementioned guy friend who I've been talking to seems to be in an emotionally weird place, enough so that I could pick up on it without knowing that it was him or what was wrong (although I didn't have an empathic bubble of awareness for him before, it appears I do now). I'm doing my best to help him, but it's a bit strange, since I have no relevant experience to base my advice off of. I know this is vague, but I don't want to betray any confidences, even to sort my own head out and even knowing that none of you know me or him or anyone else I refer to.
And a couple of other friends, too, are in weird emotional places. But, to be perfectly honest with all of us, that's not all of what's bothering me.
What's bothering me is that everything's changing, and so unpredictably. I just went for lunch with a friend, and I ended up complaining for most of it about some really annoying habits my best friend has that I hadn't even really noticed until recently. Like, she can really derail things if they're not what she wants. And it's never really annoyed me until this year.
I'm scared that I'm outgrowing my friends. Because, we've all noticed that things are different, and not necessarily in good ways. In the case of the one friend, we're a lot less willing to tolerate her nonsense; the things that she does when she doesn't want to do something just aren't cool anymore. We're tired of it. At least, I am. And my other friends have noticed the difference with dismay.
And then there's England, still looming on the horizon and promising that, this time next year, nothing in my life will be the same. I might not even recognize myself. And if my friends and I are already growing apart...
What's going to happen when I get back?
I've been so lucky, so far. I've managed to find the best friends in the whole world, and I've busted a phoenix - my life was in ashes for a while, but I've managed to create something beautiful and amazing out of that. But there are so many opportunities for things to go wrong from here on in.
*sigh*
I'll just have to hope for the best, I guess.
There was so much more I wanted to say, but my friend just came over, so I'm off to frolic. <3 Back | Older | Current | Next
