2009-02-19 5:51 a.m.
Alright...I said I'd explain later. So here it is. Because I won't be posting this weekend.
The three songs I posted, all by AFI:
"Fallen Like the Sky": posted mostly for the chorus "This is a lonely war tonight/And I'm forsaken/Are you a lonely one, too?" And for a few of the other lines.
I've been in a huge family fight, from 6000 miles apart, with my mom and sister. I don't want to get into it, but basically they teamed up against me, and I was left alone struggling to be heard and listened to. I've spent the last week in an almost continual panic attack. I ended up "winning" the argument - if you can even call it that when I feel more like shit now than I did while it was going on - last night. And then my sister sent this charming piece of bitchery to my email inbox: "I think you've been proud of being a bitch too long."
I've never been proud of being a bitch.
Sometimes I am a bitch. I freely admit it. But what usually happens is that other people accuse me of it, because I refuse to take anyone's shit laying down. I live by my heart and my soul, and if something doesn't mesh with those, I fight it with everything I have.
If that makes me a bitch, then yes, I'm proud of it. But I don't think it does.
I think it just makes me a strong woman. I've survived too much shit to not fight against it - all I want is a peaceful existence, but damn it, that does not mean that I'm going to let anyone take advantage of it.
My tarot significator card (well, one of them, but the other isn't as important here. In fact, the other is more or less useless here) is the Queen of Wands -- Queen of the element of Fire. It's against my nature to be passive. I'm not the firebrand, leader, mischief-maker, plotter-extraordinaire, and everyone's protector because I'm a passive little girl who lets other people call the shots. I'm in there playing the boys' games with the boys' and beating them fairly at their own shit, and I have no respect for people who can't deal honestly. All of that is encompassed in that card.
(The other fun tidbit about my tarot sig is that its element is in opposition to my astrological element, which can signify either extreme conflict with one's identity, which I used to have, or stability and balance in the personality, which I'm working toward. It's more about potentials than absolutes, but I find it a pretty accurate way of reading people, amazingly. Which kind of clashes with my more scientific mind, but we make it work. Everyone needs to believe in something.)
So call me a bitch if you like, Sister-mine, but then remember what you yourself said about my sig card when I showed it to you, without telling you it was mine: "She looks like she's about ready to beat someone with that stick she carries to get them in line and then offer them her sunflower to show that she did it because she cares."
Couldn't have said it better myself, except you think that I'm being malicious here.
"Head Like a Hole": I decided to post here instead of emailing this back to my mother after a few comments she made and her attempts to control me because at the time the chorus "Head like a hole/Black as your soul/I'd rather die/Than give you control" more or less summed up how I felt:
1. She was a stupid idiot. Hence, head like a hole.
2. She wasn't doing this out of any genuine desire to do good. Hence, black as your soul.
3. I was having to seriously fight myself to even respond civilly, but I was managing it. At the same time, there were certain things that I just wouldn't do. Hence, the self-explanatory I'd rather die than give you control.
Really, the only reason I didn't send it to her, is because that would have made things hit the breaking point too soon for me to be able to cope with them.
"Rabbits are Roadkill on Route 37":All of the lyrics apply here.
What once did exist, now is meaningless
And doesn't it seem funny, how soon you did forget
([ECHO:] how soon you did forget)
All the words have now lost their weight
But I remember, I remember
Desperation, devastation
All I truly know (all that I know...)
Is isolation
Self-damnation
All life that I'd known
WAS SHED AND WORTHLESS NOW!
What I knew was wrong
One who lived is gone
Guess it was just an echo
When you would sing my song
(ECHO: you would sing my song)
All the notes you've forgotten now
You left abandoned, I remember
Desperation, devastation
All I truly know (all that I know...)
Is isolation
Self-damnation
All life that I'd known
WAS SHED AND WORTHLESS NOW!
I can hate myself more... more than anyone
WILL YOU JOIN ME!?
I KNOW YOU KNOW THAT THIS
TORTURES ME!
HAVE I CREATED THE SUFFERING!?
SHOW ME!
Or do you happily cut further in?
To sever what's left inside, that binds me.
Now all I feel is
Desperation, devastation
All I truly know (all that I know...)
Is isolation
Self-damnation
All life that I'd known
WAS SHED AND WORTHLESS NOW!
I dedicate this to my sister, who has forgotten that I always stuck by her side. How does she return the favor? She teams up with everyone but me.
...I'm not bitter.
I mean, it really upsets me. I always defended her. I spent months ripping myself up feeling guilty for leaving her behind when I went off to university the first time. And yet every time something happens, she acts like none of it ever happened. All of a sudden, I'm the bad guy. And it really hurts.
It's happened forever, honestly. And it's never stopped sucking. Whenever things came down to it, I've only ever had me to rely on until I started making friends. And now I have them to rely on, too, but it's stil a very foreign concept. I'm always half-wondering if they're going to turn on me. ><
*sigh*
It's exasperating as all hell.
Anyway, I'm jetting out of here this weekend because I've been so perfectly emotastic. I really need the break and the brain space. I'll be back on Sunday, though, so I might post again then, assuming I'm not tossing my ass in bed and sleeping.