The Devil's Rose's blog

You are probably wondering - or at least beginning to wonder - why every time you show up to apologize I flip you off and slam the door in your face, or casually wander over to close my blinds, or pretend like I have suddenly gone deaf or turned up my mp3 player to the point where I can no longer hear anything. You're probably wondering why my roommate has been instructed not to accept any notes or messages from you, or to let you in or even acknowledge your existence from here on in yet not been informed as to what's going on.

You're probably going to ask your girlfriend to speak to me. After all, she was there. You know what? She will, too, because she's a better friend to me than you ever were or ever had the capacity to be. She won't enjoy it, because my frigidity toward you will be projected at her, merely your proxy in that conversation. Nor will she like the answer, because it won't be the one which she will so desperately want.

She wants to repair our group more than you can realize. She'll do anything to achieve it, but it will never happen. I will make a pact with the devil to prevent it long before she even manages to achieve slight success.

Don't put her in that position.
She doesn't deserve it. Unlike you, she's actually a human being.

But you don't have access to this letter, really, and if you were to find it, I would never admit to having written it. There isn't enough evidence in this entire journal to reveal who I am to people who know me - not with any certainty at least. All things are truth, but not all are fact. You begin to understand the way I seek privacy by gaining that small insight.

The spirit of the truth, but not the words of the truth, are contained here. And as such, you will never be able to prove this is me.

Thus, my instruction not to include your girlfriend will go unheeded, as has so much else in this acquaintanceship we had enjoyed until you abruptly ended it this evening.

And so I say here what I will say then.

No, I won't forgive you. I never will. I've lost better friends than you over less. Lost isn't the right word. Walked away from and never looked back, however, is. I've walked away from more people than I've kept, and yet my group of trusted friends is far greater than yours. Why? Precisely because I walk away from those friends who don't hold up. And I have never once looked back.

It's not something to be proud of. I know that. I'm not proud of it, either. But then, at least I know who my friends are. You don't even know that much.

You knew this would happen. You knew that I give no second chances. You also know why I give no second chances. You knew, before anyone else in this godforsaken university knew, exactly how much I have been hurt in the past. Exactly how much my trust in people has damaged me enough to lead me to not trust anyone. And you know how, my trust once given and once proven inappropriate, is never extended again.

An interpersonal relationship without trust is not friendship. I will never again call you amigo, amie, Freund, friend, buddy, pal, mate, WHATEVER.

But it wasn't your words which caused this loss of trust. It wasn't the "Sike! Just kidding!" reaction I got out of you when your girlfriend observed that, for the first time that either of you had ever seen, I was angry. It was the fact that when I called you on the seriousness of the matter, you laughed.

I don't give a fucking shit how bloody incapable you are of sodding taking any bloody shit buggering seriously!

You're an adult. Grow up. It isn't cute on children and it certainly isn't becoming on you. And that, my friend is the reason why I think I hate you right now.

"Sike!" hasn't been funny. Ever. Not even the first time you heard it on the playground and thought it was hilarious. And it certainly isn't now; not when hearts and minds and bloody fucking LIVES hang in the balance.

You KNEW I'm suicidal. You KNEW I self-injure. You KNEW I hate my life and just fucking want to die more often than I smile. And I smile a lot.

You KNEW.

You KNEW and you crossed that line. You crossed over it so fucking far that there is no dancing back to stand on it and say "It was just an accident, please forgive me."

You know how I've been hurt to the point where I don't trust anyone. Not even myself. Not even my family. Not even the girl who I've been best with since I was five. And you bloody well sodding know that when I say I don't ever want to hear something again, it means that I sure as buggering hell don't want anyone else to fucking hear it either!

"Just kidding!" is the wrong fucking answer. I'm not even sure if "I'm sorry" would have been the right answer, but it would have been a far sight better than "Just kidding!"

You have no excuses.

So stay the hell out of my way. Get out of my room, out of my group, out of my LIFE. Get out, and stay out. You had your chance.

I never want to see you again.

And while you're at it, remember that YOU did this. That this vitriol that is currently being directed at you was created BY you FOR you.

Our choices and our actions shape our futures. You made the wrong choice, took the wrong action; thus, you have a future devoid of my friendship. And, much as I hate myself, I'm a damn good friend to those who I love.

So goodbye, good riddance, and good luck. May the rest of the world appreciate you more than I do.

One more thing: if your girlfriend should end up living with me next year, the rules still apply. You stay OUT of my sodding life. You will not be welcome in my apartment, regardless of the nature of your relationship with any of my housemates. You can wait on the doorstep to pick them up. You are not to enter my home again. Ever.