2009-05-23 4:23 p.m.
"I beg to dream and differ from the hollow lies..."
I'm ready to go home, I think, even though all the chaos I'll be returning to is really beginning to worry me.
I found out recently that my great uncle is terminal. It's not likely that he'll still be alive when I get back to the States. There's no way I'm going to be able to see him again.
The last time I saw him, I was 10 years old. So it's not like this is exactly a new turn of events.
I just... I'd always hoped to be able to finally get to know him one day. I grew up in a different state from him, and since I'm not his grandchild, visits kind of slipped to the wayside. Not that my Dad doesn't love his uncle, but...even I don't make much effort to see my Dad's siblings terribly often. I mean, I do, but it's nowhere near as frequently as I see my parents. So I'd always entertained this idea of getting to know him eventually...he lives in a state I wouldn't mind moving to, so it was always a distinct possibility.
But now he has a month left, according to the doctors. And I'm never going to be able to get to know him.
I'm not even going to get to say bye. I've never called out there. And it would just feel horrible to call and be like "So, I just wanted to call because you're dying..." I mean, how do you skirt around the issue that I've never called, and I've only rarely spoken to the man on the phone when he had called my grandmother (or she had called him) while I was visiting her.
I can't even honestly call and be like "I just wanted to say I love you," or I would. But I don't know him well enough to do that. For me, love is very much an emotion of connection. If you don't have a connection, there's no love. Period. Even if that person is family.
It's making me feel really weird.
And then I found out that one of the girls I've been on not-speaking terms with has been really ill. It scared the hell out of me when one of our mutual friends mentioned it.
I don't know what to think about that fact, but one thing I know, is that is not a reaction you have over someone who you are happy being rid of.
Fuck my life.
I just needed to rant. I'm going to get back to baking cookies now.
I'm a stress-baker. It makes me feel better. Until I eat everything I've baked and feel like a fatass. But I just won't think about that.